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Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.