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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
When someone trying to leave me
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.