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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER