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Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Software Development ⛵️
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.