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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
relationship goals
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.