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“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.