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Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
