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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Saw online –
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
The answer is funnier than the question
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos