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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Nose
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
How tf did it end up there?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies