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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁