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If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
emergency phone
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.