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I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“you changed” bro i was 15
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.