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“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination