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Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude