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garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging