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People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
anyone else like Italian cereal
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks