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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I need this for my side hustle.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.