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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Welcome to the stomach
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
RT if you could go either way.
