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My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.