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In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Okay, I’m still confused…
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick