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[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Gods work.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
everyone has that one prude friend
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.