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I needed a laugh this morning.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
im 7 sauces long
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava