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wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
OKAY DAD
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there