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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Most fashion shows these days…
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
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Me: Same.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.