You Might Also Like
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back