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3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
what do you want
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.