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“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
this is the best day of my life
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel