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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.