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-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Rambo Rambow
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I enjoy a good short stor
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!