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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
The most accurate map ever devised.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school