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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Just a reminder, folks:
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO