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I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.