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me opening up to someone
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
From Facebook just now…
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming