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Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST