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Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut