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me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy