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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
How your email finds me
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
#Caturday
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
ACED my prostate exam!
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.