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life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Feels
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!