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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.