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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
The symmetry is uncanny.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.