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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
can i punch you in the face but like romantically?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.