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My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH