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Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.