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your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
You better watch out
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Tell the colonel to bring it
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Comparing yourself to others
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.