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Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Somebody call the cops.
