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That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?