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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
What do you hear?