Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.