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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
this independent good boy don’t need no human
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille