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We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Every work call, he judges.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Lmao 🤣
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Hey! This isn’t my car!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
translated into Canadian
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
awesome draft from months ago i just found
