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me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??