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I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
no their not
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me in tagged photos
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.