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If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?