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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September