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Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
c’mon!
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV