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My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I like long walks away from everyone
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
All food is good if you spell it wrong