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I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Managing expectations
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok