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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana