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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
the three branches of government
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
john wicks are toilet candles
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Just why bro?!
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this