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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake