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Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Breaking news:
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis