︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?