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Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.