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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
pizza
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes