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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Real House Wines.