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plant them where lol
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I cannot stop laughing at this
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
With subpar graphics and absolutely no plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played ⭐⭐
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.