Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

the saddest jazz hands ever

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.