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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Things will get butter, keep churning
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?