Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

Raisins are grape jerky.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.