Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

logging onto twitter…

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.