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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Whoa 😂
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”