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Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-