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Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I think this should do it.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.