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I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
An odd boast
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Most Common Source of Electricity
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
#oldknees
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
