🍂🕷️🍂
You Might Also Like
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying