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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper