🍛
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
sigh
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.