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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?