Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie