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Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.