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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services