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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
How to properly lift a body
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.