🎵 I can’t wait to
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Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.