🎵 I can’t wait to
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Only Americans understand
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Not recommended for beginners.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
yeah not falling for this one
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.