Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

He just like my cat fr

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Well, this explains it:

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Just how popey was the pope today?

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?