🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.