🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My fantasy football season is going great
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball