🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
You Might Also Like
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Leaving the Barbers like
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
God has left this place
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.