🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon![]()
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶